some wounds never heal
by LitGG1982
Summary: major things happen in jess´s life, will he be able to deal with them, after all it´s hard these days being a single father.where´s the mom ? warning: sad! REVIEW PLEASE!Lit !
1. Chapter 1

I don´t own them: all character you don´t recognize belongs to me though.

This story popped into my head while rethinking 6.08, although I really liked Rory and jess in this one I couldn't stop thinking about jess not being with rory, but with someone else.

This story is based on a literati because I'm the biggest lit shipper ever..lol, due to some things that are gonna happen, this also will contain major jess/ other moments.

Jess's POV:

I was lying in bed, motionless, all energy gone from my body. My brain had yet to grasp the events that had happened lately.

I tried lifting my arm up as if to see that I was still alive, but my brain was too weak to transport the information to the muscles in my limbs. I tried moving my legs, same non responding there, I couldn't even get my head to turn around to look at the alarm clock that was standing next to me on my nightstand. It had to be somewhere around midnight, maybe even early morning, hell it could have been noon and I wouldn´t have been able to tell the difference. I remembered climbing into bed last night (was it only last night?), slightly drunk and ready to die on the inside, but despite the fact that I wanted to take some pills that would end this misery so badly, I couldn't. Part of my inability to end it was that I simply couldn't get my body to move (where should I get those pills from anyhow?) and the other part was that I was responsible for Oliver.

I listened to the sirens that were interrupting the fake, ironic silence of the night. I could practically see the paramedics behind their wheel as they rushed to some place or the other trying to save lives. Ironic, isn't it? Here I was lying thinking about doctors and paramedics fighting for someone's life when they couldn't have saved hers. I blinked quickly as the tears started to fall again. I was never one who would cry easily, hell, when was the last time I had cried anyhow? I drifted off with my thoughts and began a long journey searching my soul and body for any emotion I had experienced in the last couple of days. While I was still staring off into space, the huge, dark blue clock was ticking happily on the wall, as if it was mocking me. Cry cry cry …. Every "tick" from the wall, tightened my throat even more, made it all to real, made the minutes pass by; the minutes I couldn't stop from passing although I desperately wanted to. Absently I wondered that maybe, maybe, I could try to make the last year and more importantly the last year's memories vanish, once I'd take the batteries out of the clock. I chuckled sadly. No, that wouldn´t stop the earth from turning around its axis, it wouldn´t stop the empty feeling inside my chest, it would just stop the mocking sound that was burning holes into my brain and heart. I tried to look up when I heard footsteps approach my bedroom door, but I couldn't come up with the energy. It was only when I saw two bare feet, partly covered by too long pyjama pants, that I was able to finally gain control over my body parts again.

" Hey kiddo, can´t sleep?" I asked the vulnerable, small boy in front of me.

His blue eyes bore into mine, questioningly. I had to muster up all my strength to not avoid his eyes. It hurt so much looking straight into his eyes that were so similar to his mom's.

" Can I sleep with you, Dad?" Oliver asked in a soft voice, as if he wanted to comfort me. Sometimes the fact that he had only recently turned six astounded me. I silently nodded and lifted the blanket up so he could slip under it. He snuggled into my body and breathed heavily. I closed my eyes and wrapped my arms protectively around my son's waist. I was about to drift off to sleep when I heard Oliver mumbling:

" Dad, I don´t get it. Grandma Lorelai told me that we were gonna go say goodbye to mommy tomorrow, but it was her who left, shouldn't she be the one to say goodbye to us? I mean…I just miss her. Why wouldn´t she say goodbye?" it broke my heart to see Oliver like this.

He was hurting and there was nothing I could have done to stop it. If it had been his stuffed animal that had lost an eye or if his favourite book had gone missing, yeah, then I could have helped him. I would have glued the eye back to the animal's face, maybe I would have put a band aid around it to make it seem like it had been hurt, I would have bought a new book, but there was no way in hell I could make Rory come back to life. I sighed and tried to formulate the words.

" You know, Oliver, Mom didn´t want to go, she had to. She would have never left us behind if there would have been any other option. She loved you too much to let you go, kid. I…" Oliver interrupted my speech.

" Why doesn't she love me anymore? You said, she loved me, when did she stop loving me?" I could only take so much. I swallowed hard, in addition to the emptiness and despair I was feeling right now, I had to deal with the fact that Oliver thought Rory didn´t love him anymore. I turned him around, so that he was facing me. His eyes were now red and puffy, his nose was running and his cheeks were flushed. I leaned down and whispered, my face only inches away from his, my hands grabbing his shoulders, not tightly but carefully.

" Don´t you ever think that mom doesn't love you anymore. You were her everything, her world, she loves you with all her heart, but she won´t be able to tell you that anymore. It´s up to you to keep mommy's love alive" I touched his heart and added:

" Right in there. She's gone, baby, but maybe someday we're gonna meet her again. You know she can still see you, she's watching your every move." Oliver wrinkled his nose.

" Even when I'm reading although I should be cleaning up my room?" I smiled at this.

" Especially then." we fell silent for the longest time, and it seemed that Oliver had to think about what I had said to him.

" She won´t tell you, right?" I leaned back on my back and pulled Oliver down with me, feeling relieved by his natural naivety. I stared at the ceiling, counting the cracks and I was sure somehow Rory would stay in contact with us.

" You bet, she will." I closed my eyes tightly, swallowing back the tears that were threatening to fall. I needed to stay strong, for Oliver's sake. And before I drifted off to sleep I silently prayed that I wouldn´t lose it tomorrow. At my wife's funeral.

So, what do you think, good? Bad? Tell me please and review! Pretty please ? This is gonna be a multi chaptered story, although I have finals coming up and I don´t know if I'm gonna be able to update soon. Stay with me please. I know, it´s been done before.

Next chapter: the funeral and many flashbacks.


	2. the funeral

**Sadly, I still don´t own the Gilmore Girls, if I did, Jess would have stayed so put.**

**Some words I use in Jess's eulogy are from Jack Johnson's song „ better together" don´t own that one either… and again sad! **

**I know I said in the beginning of last chapter that there was gonna be jess/ other action, I'm not so sure anymore about that actually, I thought that maybe I should add flashbacks from the past. I'm not saying that there won´t be a „ love" interest for jess in some of the chapters, we'll see…**

**I forgot to add at the first chapter, English is not my native language, so be kind and help me improve my English! Thanks, REVIEW PLEASE!**

When I woke up, my neck hurt and my legs were stiff. I felt something heavy on my stomach and for a tiny moment this feeling betrayed me, when I wanted to reach down and stroke her hair. The minute I touched the hair, I knew it wasn't hers. Hers hadn't been as strong and curly. I felt guilty for a second because I was disappointed that it wasn't Rory but our son. Oliver started to move slightly and I sat up rolling him off my stomach softly. He was lying flat on his back now, his legs forming a triangle, arms in the air, but still sound asleep. I had his drool on my shirt, but I really couldn't care less. I took in the room that was lit by the sunlight shining through the curtains. It wasn't fair that the sun was shining, it should be pouring, grey clouds should be hanging dangerously close to the skyline, making the city look old and dead. The sky should be crying for her. And maybe even for me.

All of Rory things were still at their places. Her dresser filled with clothes she would only wear once, but she had insisted on needing them anyhow. Half of the clothes she hadn't been able to wear lately, because she had lost too much weight due to the chemotherapy. I shook my head, trying to erase those memories of Rory lying in bed, exhausted after having vomited all day. It made my stomach sick to remember the way her eyes had looked lately, lifeless, hopeless, defeated. I got up with a start running to the bathroom. When my stomach was finally empty I slid down on the cold floor and leaned against the wall. I closed my eyes and tried to steady my breathing. No success there.

Oliver padded over to me and sat down next to me, his thumb in his mouth, sucking at it.

„ You're not gonna be sick as mommy, huh, dad?" his face showing sincere concern. He wasn't scared of the fact that this would leave him an orphan, but that I would have to go through the same thing as Rory. He didn´t think about the consequences, and I envied him for this.

I shook my head no, not being able to wet my mouth enough to speak. Oliver sighed and got up again.

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Lorelai had requested that we should stay in Stars Hollow the day before the funeral, but I had declined and had stated that I wouldn´t want Oliver to feel more enrooted that he already did.

So, I packed our things into a small suitcase and Oliver and I made our way to Stars Hollow, where Rory had wanted to be buried.

When I arrived at Lorelai´s place, she was already waiting for us on the front porch. She looked bad, old. Heavy bags under her eyes symbolised her lack of sleep. She had lost weight, and her clothes were hanging loosely from her body. She stood up when she saw our car and quickly wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. I nodded my head slightly into her direction as a greeting but still didn´t get out of the car. The way from there would make it all too real. Condolences, sad looks, faces full of pity and loss. Oliver got impatient in the backseat and started kicking my back with his little feet.

„ Watch it, Oliver!" I spat and he stopped it at once. I felt guilty for being so harsh to him, but I was dying in the inside.

„ Sorry, dad, but I really wanna see Grandma and Uncle Luke." weird, that he still referred to Luke as an uncle, since he and Lorelai had even gotten together before he was born.

I slowly unbuckled my seat belt and got out of the car. I freed Oliver from his children seat in the back and he ran to Lorelai, pulling her into a hug. I took the suitcase out of the trunk of the car and lifted it up slowly. With shaking legs I made my way over to Lorelai and Oliver who were still in a tight embrace. Lorelai was sobbing silently into Oliver's neck. I caught her eye and tried to muster up a small smile, it wouldn´t come. The corner of my lips kept forming the thin line, and I wondered when I would be able to laugh again. Lorelai pushed Oliver softly away from her and stood up, looking up at me with sad lonely eyes.

„ It only seemed like yesterday that she graduated high school, she was still a kid, Jess." Lorelai whispered, her voice only being above a whisper, I had to strain my ears to even hear her. Tears were again streaming down her face.

**Flashback**

I was sitting next to Luke, while watching as Rory was being asked to come up the stage by the headmaster. She had done it; she had worked her ass off and had succeeded. She was valedictorian.

As she walked on the stage I couldn't help but feeling proud of her. I smirked to myself as I saw how Lorelai clutched Luke's hand tightly.

When Rory started to speak all other thoughts vanished from my brain:

„_Headmaster Charleston, faculty members, fellow students, family and friends, welcome. We never thought this day would come." _She paused, letting her fellow students the time to chuckle.

„_We prayed for its quick delivery, crossed days off our calendars, counted hours, minutes, and seconds, and now that it's here, I'm sorry it is because it means leaving friends who inspire me and teachers who have been my mentors - so many people who have shaped my life and my fellow students' lives impermeably and forever. I live in two worlds. One is a world of books. I've been a resident of Faulkner's Yoknapatawpha County, hunted the white whale aboard the Pequod, fought alongside Napoleon, sailed a raft with Huck and Jim, committed absurdities with Ignatius J. Reilly, rode a sad train with Anna Karenina, and strolled down Swann's Way. It's a rewarding world, but my second one is by far superior."_ she again tool her time to compose herself. I could see the tears glistering in the corner of her eyes. She caught my eyes, smiled slightly and continued.

„ _My second one is populated with characters slightly less eccentric but supremely real, made of flesh and bone, full of love, who are my ultimate inspiration for everything. Richard and Emily Gilmore are kind, decent, unfailingly generous people. They are my twin pillars without whom I could not stand. I am proud to be their grandchild. But my ultimate inspiration comes from my best friend, the dazzling woman from whom I received my name and my life's blood, Lorelai Gilmore."_

Lorelai started to searchthrough her purse for a tissue. She gave Luke a meaningful glance that signalised him that he shouldn't even think about losing it as well.

„_My mother never gave me any idea that I couldn't do whatever I wanted to do or be whomever I wanted to be. She filled our house with love and fun and books and music, unflagging in her efforts to give me role models from Jane Austen to Eudora Welty to Patti Smith. As she guided me through these incredible eighteen years, I don't know if she ever realized that the person I most wanted to be was her."_

By that moment I was the only one in our row that wasn't crying. I'm not the one to cry easily, I think I hadn't cried since I was a kid.

„ _The other main person in my life beside my family and friends is Jess. I don´t know how I would have gone through the last couple of weeks without you, although you had finals coming up as well. Youwere the help I needed so badly , the one person that kept me sane."_

I laughed to myself softly. I hadn't known that she would mention me in her speech. I felt honoured and blessed being able to be with this amazing girl, standing up there. Woman actually, I added in my head, thinking about last night's events.

After she had finally received her diploma, she ran up to me and I welcomed her in my arms.

„ So?" she asked, smiling into my chest.

„ What do you think?" I smirked.

„ It wasn't bad, Rory. You're speech was really well written, very eloquently " she slapped me softly and buried her face even more in my chest.

**Flashback end**

I dropped my head and nodded, reliving this memory again. Her touch was still so livid, I could feel her little hands roaming my body, knowing exactly all the sensitive spots, teasing me, by ever so often breaking the contact.

Luke greeted me with a comforting hug, not mentioning the bags under my eyes. Oliver was holding on to my leg, hiding partly behind me because of the atmosphere in the house.

I kneeled down on one knee.

„ Hey, kiddo, we have to go now. You know, saying goodbye to mommy." he just nodded and took my hand in his.

„ I'm here, Daddy, I'm not leaving." my throat tightened but I swallowed the feeling down.

Luke, Lorelai, Oliver and I arrived at the church that was already crowded. Everyone wanted to bid Rory farewell.

We walked down the aisle and took our seats in the first row. I avoided the eyes that were following me as I sat down and took Oliver in my lap.

The reverend started to say a few prayers and then asked me to come up to give the eulogy.

I shut my eyes tightly and put Oliver down on the bench, next to Lorelai.

„_Love is the answer, at least for most of the questions in my heart_, you always used to tell me that when I was teasing you about being a hopeless romantic. You would look at me with those piercing blue eyes of yours, stare at me even and pout until I gave in. You would start running around in our apartment, dancing sometimes, giggling like a five year old."

I stopped, not being able to go on, when the tears started to cloud my eyes. I needed to be strong, I told myself all over again as I observed all the people sitting in front of me. Lorelai was clinging to Luke, who himself didn´t look as if he could hold back his tears any longer. I continued, my voice starting to shake more with every word I said. I clutched the paper tightly, as if I needed something to hang on to, to support me.

_  
„ Why are we here? And where do we go? _You would ask these questions all over again after we had found out, sometimes screaming them in desperate hope to find answers, breaking down, exhausted and worn out. You would apologize shortly after your breakdown, but I didn´t want to hear your apologies, I wanted to see you running around in our apartment again, dancing, giggling like a five year old." I took a deep breath, closing my eyes only for a second, afraid that I would lose my train of thoughts. I swallowed and went on:_  
„And how come it's so hard?_ I would ask you when we would be lying in bed late at night, Oliver sleeping between us. You would absently stroke his hair, telling the both of us that you loved us and that you hadn't told us enough. We knew, you loved us, Rory, we still do."

We love you too, I wanted to scream, my heart bursting with emotions. Lorelai was now sobbing violently, hiding her face with her hands, wiping her tears away as though she was ashamed of them.

_  
„_It's not always easy and sometimes it seems even impossible to go on, but we all have reasons to go on."my glance wandered over to Oliver who was sitting next to Lorelai and I caught his eyes for just a moment. Fear, sadness, love… those were only some of the emotions I could make out in the second I locked my eyes with his. I knew that he didn´t really understand what was going on, that his Mom wasn't only on vacation, she wasn't gonna come back. I lifted my head again, having gained energy from Oliver's trusting piercing blue eyes.  
„And all of these moments I think of you just might find their way into my dreams tonight, but I know that they'll be gone when I wake up in the morning." I directed my words to the audience again, hoping I could reach them with my words.  
„I don´t know about you all, but I believe in memories, they look so pretty when I sleep; even now somehow and when I wake up, you look so pretty sleeping next to me, but sadly, you will never be sleeping next to me again." Babette let out a cry and buried her face in Morey´s shoulder.

„I'm not so sure that these wounds are ever gonna heal, I really don´t know how to get to the point where it doesn't hurt anymore just thinking of you. You were always so strong, never the one to give up, but you were taken from us, all of us. Not only Oliver and me but also from Luke, your grandparents and mostly from Lorelai, the one person you got your name from. I know I wasn't even nearly perfect in this relationship, and I even might have hurt you in the past, but I sincerely hope that you don´t regret a moment you spent with me, because I know I don´t." I stopped speaking preparing myself and the others for the last part of my eulogy.

" I know you wouldn´t want me to pine over you for years, I know that because you told me last week.

You even made me promise. I really will try not to break that promise, but I don´t know if I will be able to. You were the one person who taught me how to love and what it felt like to be loved, unconditionally. I will pass this feeling on to Oliver, I don´t want our kid to feel the way I felt during my childhood. You made my life all worth it. All the weird things I had to pull, before I finally got you. Sorry Dean, by the way." this made the people chuckle lightly. It felt good to make them laugh. I caught Dean's eyes for a moment and he nodded at me. His face showed signs of pity; we looked away both thinking about our first love we had lost.

" I told Oliver yesterday that you would still make sure that he was behaving and being a good boy. I know you will!" I slipped the paper back into my coat pocket and made my way down to Oliver and Lorelai. She smiled at me through teary eyes and mouthed " thank you".

I pulled Oliver back in my lap, needing someone alive, someone with a beating heart to be near me and listened to the rest of the ceremony silently.

So, what do you think, **I hope you liked it, please review, I nearly haven't gotten any for the first chapter**. Tell me if I shouldn't go on with this story, please, be honest.


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